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A Luxury 

Sunday, July 3, 2011 - Posted by Danielle at 1:43 PM
I told my bosses. After a "Congratulations", Tom's reaction was, "So what are your plans?" I struggled with this question. In any of the times Mark and I had discussed what to say to this question, it was to tell him that I had no intent of anything changing. When the question was asked though, I struggled because I knew in my heart, that wasn't necessarily true. I knew in my heart that we are going to do every single thing possible for me to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise our children. As Mark talked me through it, he explained that we needed to tell them that so that if I ended up having to work, even if just to bridge a gap, then it would be available.

I struggled with this idea before we found out were were going to have a baby and each time before that when we decided to start trying. It was this reality that made me chicken out each time; the fact that there is no certainty in the idea of me being able to stay at home.

It's a luxury to stay at home and care for your children; and to have the money to support the family in the process. The more I think about it, the more it scares me, worries me and even saddens me that I don't know for sure that I'll be able to stay home. I fear the day that maternity leave ends and I have to leave my newborn with someone to care for them, love them, and experience "firsts" that I will never be able to see again. Whether I leave my baby with a stranger, a friend or even a family member, it's not me. I feel such a significant calling on my heart to be home with our children; I long for the day when I get to love on them, raise them up to be God-fearing, God-loving kids, play hide and go seek, go to the park, run errands, clean the house and do laundry...it all sounds so exciting to me...and I realize that is far from the case for many women in this world, which proves my point: some women are called to it, some aren't. I know I am.

Doing my devotion today, I came across a verse in Proverbs 16 that says, "Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed." If only everyday life was just that easy. The sad part is, it should be that easy. Handing this whole thing over to God should be the easiest, biggest relief. For me though, while I trust him to give me the desires of my heart, I am so passionate about this calling that I'm afraid to turn it over and forget about it in fear that it won't happen. I know most of the time it's your head that has to catch up with your heart. In this case, my heart already knows God's plan for me is perfect and that come February, I'll be content with where I'm at and that He'll give me the strength to pull through wherever we end up. In my head though, I want to think logically. My OCD kicks in and forces me to plan and plot and figure out every detail.

Another verse in Proverbs says, "We can throw the dice, but the Lord will determine where they fall." When it comes right down to it, I can plan and plot, but God's plans will prevail and I have to trust in that...and I'm trying...it's just hard.